Boneknickers

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A new series has just begun on BBC 1 called 'Boneknickers' and it has been billed as a cross between Time Team and Indiana Jones. The series is based around a team of archaeologists from the fictional 'Wessex University' who are led by the wacky Celt (with a nice chest) called Dr. Gillian Magwilde. Other members of her team are Professor Gregory Parton, also known as 'Dolly' (because he is a big tit) who could best be described as a blend of a geriatric Van Helsing and Clarissa Dixon Wright with a penchant for the ale. The action man of the team is Dr. Ben Ergha (played by an ex Blue Peter presenter whose name I have forgotten) who is brave enough to step infront of five bullets (which turn out to be blanks) in order to save a potential Whitehouse candidate. Finally the 'rooky' of the intrepid gang is Viv Davies who has just obtained her certificate in archaeology from The Open University.

So far we have seen the team fighting modern-day Templar Knights in order to save the true cross of Christ and also getting deeply embroiled in a lethal mission to rescue something from some gunmen that belonged to George Washington?? Sorry I can be more specific but I fell asleep during this episode.

The archaeological advisor to the series is Dr. Mark Horton who may well be familiar to viewers of the Time Team. He has appeared a couple of times and is the one who keeps saying. 'Oh dear' when he puts a trench in the wrong place and gets a bollocking from Professor Mick Aston. As you can imagine with such a Curriculum Vitae many aspects of his archaeological advice and historical fact are to put it politely 'dodgy'. I suspect that from the slagging off he is currently getting on the British Archaeology web forum this is a post he regrets taking.

Anyway, what has all this to do with Dartmoor? Well, somebody has anonymously sent me details of a forthcoming episode (it arrived on Channel 4 headed stationary) which is heavily connected to Dartmoor. In this episode, which is due to be screened during the start of the first week of April 2009, the team are suddenly called to Dartmoor. There is a mass riot at Dartmoor Prison which has seriously got out of control, as a result the rapid response units from around the various HMP prisons are called in and as a precaution they have enlisted the help of the Boneknickers team. Afterall when you have a member who is willing to step infront of five bullets who better would you want at your side when the going got tough? During the riot Dr Gillian Magwilde (her with the nice chest) threw a fragmentation grenade into a cell held by a group of convicts (sorry, they have to be called 'clients' now) which resulted in a wall being blown down. When the smoke and dust had settled the team carefully entered the cell and whilst removing the mangled remains of the prisoners discovered a hidden cavity in the damaged wall. Inside was an old piece of parchment on which appeared to be part of a diary written in French. They immediately call for Professor Parton who is eventually found in the nearby Plume of Feathers suffering from the effects of 15 pints of Devonshire cider. Three hours, 26 cups of coffee, a packet of Nurofen and 6 bottles of Lucozade later he is sober enough to translate the document. He then reveals the amazing discovery that according to the diary Napoleon Bonaparte was buried somewhere on Dartmoor. The diary was written by a French prisoner of war that was once held within the walls of the war depot which is now the modern prison. Once sober enough to drive, the professor nips up to the Devon Record Office where he discovers an old map of the 1800s upon which was marked, 'The Frenchman's Grave'.

The Boneknickers team load up all their equipment and head off to Brousentor Farm where beside the small lane a suspicious 'bump' can be seen at the roadside (OS Grid Reference SX 54475 80513). Immediately the team reach for their geophysical survey equipment and the female team members are ordered by Gillian to remove their bras, apparently the wiring effects the sensitivity of the equipment, I also hope we get a close up of her removing hers. The results arrive 30 seconds later and reveal a juicy target suggestive of a burial and worth investigation. The JCB is called and within minutes a deep hole appears, just as they are about to descend into the 50m chasm Viv Davies smacks her head against the digger bucket and because she wasn't wearing a safety hat is rushed to Derriford Hospital with a life-threatening fractured skull. After going down to the nearby pub to drown their sorrows and have a game of pool the team return to start work. Within seconds a human skeleton is found and after using their hand-held isotope tester it is revealed that the remains belong to a Frenchman who was born in Corsica, had balding black hair and a liking for women called 'Josephine'. They dig down further and find evidence of a Bronze Age kistvaen along with fragments of pot and burnt bone. Underneath this Gillian unearths the complete skeleton of a horse, once again the isotope reader is used and it immediately reveals that the bones belonged to a grey, Arab stallion who originated somewhere within the Ottoman empire and was called Le Vizir. A small sample of bone was sent for radio carbon dating and no sooner had the team finished their coffee than the results revealed a date of around the early 1800s which was conclusive enough for the team to ascertain that this was Napoleon's horse and therefore the bones of the human must be his.

Just as they are about to pack up and go down the pub a crack squad of French paratroopers from the 11th airborne brigade mount a surprise attack on the team. There mission is to recover the remains of Napoleon and take them back to France for burial. One paratrooper is about to loose a clipful of bullets into Gillian who is totally unawares as she is putting her bra back on (hope there is a close-up of that too) and spotting the danger Dr. Ben jumps infront of her. Five rounds ring out and sadly this time they are not blanks and each one rips into his flesh. Angered by the downfall of her comrade, Gillian lobs four fragmentation grenades at the attackers and then looses off five clips from her MP40. Having massacred the elite French paratroopers another ambulance is called and Dr. Ben is packed off to Derriford hospital where both he an Viv lay side by side as they barely cling on to life.

If you want a flavour of the Boneknickers series and if you are not doing anything important such as sorting the rubbish for recycling or are an insomniac don't miss next week's episode - 9.00pm, Tuesdays, BBC 1.